In light of the closure of UniLad, here's an article I wrote for the esteemed people at Exposed Magazine about how to treat the fairer sex...
5 Tips for Keeping The Little Lady in Your Life Firmly Where She Belongs: Your Arms.
1. Hate indiscriminately.
As a man, the overwhelming desire to undermine all women in any way possible, (aka your birth right) must never, ever waver. No matter what narrow-minded stereotype you think you may be able force her in to, she is all yours for the belittling!
Fat bird? Arm wrestle. Maybe a jiggle of the stomach if you’re feeling particularly brave.
Fit bird? Sex. What else could she possibly be good for, eh?
Smart bird? The phrase “Don’t worry your pretty little head.” should do it. If you really want to show her who’s boss, try ending everything with dear and calling her a man-hating lesbian feminist for good measure, even though you have absolutely no idea what the actual ideology stands for.
2. Everyone else’s Mum is fair game.
Your Mum, is your Mum. No, not your Mum, I mean literally the person who endured the excruciating pain of forcing you out of her uterus just so you could read this esteemed publication and follow these handy tips and hints! (We know she’s never been kicked in the balls, but maybe let her have this one.) It is imperative that you defend your matriarch’s honour at all times by mercilessly objectifying all women you consider even the faintest bit attractive, calling all those who rebuff your advances lesbians, and, uh, insulting everyone else’s Mums.
3. Go for the grope.
If God hadn’t meant for you to cup it, he wouldn’t have given you hands. Just be careful where you try it; behind her back in a tightly packed space works best.
4. Female shmemale.
It’s a fact recognised by at least half of the population that women do things worse than men, except maybe talking, and being massive wusses. In recognition of this, wherever possible, you should try and describe anything negative as being female. Is your mate running in an ineffective and generally displeasing fashion? He is in fact running like a girl. You know Dave’s been struggling with coping since the death of his Uncle Jim, and we’ve just insensitively insinuated his Aunt’s a prostitute? He’s only bloody crying, like a bloody girl! He has been spending a lot of time with his Mum, so they’ve probably synced cycles or something else disgusting that girls do when it’s their “time of the month” (condescending air-quotes mandatory) so it’s only right we seek to put him in his place with the insinuation that he’s one of those weak female woman types who get all whiney once a month due to not collecting their prescriptions of man-the-hell-up.
5. Women like it rough.
Honesty is the key to every relationship. Or at least, that’s what you think the fortune cookie said, after accidentally biting in to it, part-ingesting the tiny piece of paper, and then nearly vomiting while trying to retrieve it. When a woman asks how she looks, be sure to focus on absolutely any negative you can find, preferably something she’s particularly sensitive about, and then tell it to her straight. Now, start tapping your foot, tutting, and proceed to moan incessantly about not being able to leave for dinner yet, because she’s huddled in a pile of clothes sobbing and dribbling mascara up her forearm. You’re no monster, she just needs to realise that all the women society has ever presented you with are clearly the ideal shape and size, because some man in an office decreed it so, (I mean, you already trust his judgement on which beer to drink, so why not everything else?) and that since it’s in your nature, as a man, to strive for perfection in the things that outwardly make you look good, you need a fit bird on your arm to make the lads jealous and ensure they continue worshipping you as the defining Overlord of Sex that you clearly are. Besides, she should want to make herself perfect and beautiful for you, seeing as you’ve deigned to deny all other women everywhere your charm and sex appeal, and have taken yourself off the market for her. Well, mostly. At this point you should advise that full-body sobs tone the stomach, because you know how much she loves being able to multi-task, and maybe try acknowledging that if she keeps crying long enough she might even need to buy new, smaller clothes, which is of course a perfect excuse to go shopping, and then just sit back and wait for your nomination for ‘Boyfriend of the Year’ to drop through the door.
So remember; with women, unlike in real life, it’s the little, meaningful things that matter the most. Don’t go overboard with the grand gestures, and be sure to remember that sometimes it’s ok to stay at home, and just enjoy each other’s company. I mean, after all this effort, the least she could do is make you a sandwich.